I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
