Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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