i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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