What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
