If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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