I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
