wanna go halves on a baby?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
