I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He felt like a one man threesome
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
