If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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