enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
