i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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