So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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