then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
