plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
