It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
