I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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