Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
