Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
