I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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