Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
