I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
