life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
