Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
