Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize