I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
