Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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