Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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