I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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