when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
