I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
