his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
