How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
