You smell like stripper and shame
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
