He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
