he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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