Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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