Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We have so much sex to catch up on
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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