our cab driver is having phone sex.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
