I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
