Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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