I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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