Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
