ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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