You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
