you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
whose parrot is this?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
