I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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