why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
