I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
