last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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