Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this will be a night to untag.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
