no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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