i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
