i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
