Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
